House Manifestation #2 update: The sellers are engaged in… - blogged-down_5.0: You're Gettin' Even While I'm Gettin' Odd
Sep. 15th, 2008
House Manifestation #2 update: The sellers are engaged in complete war with one another and apparently cannot converse civilly or frequently enough to figure out what to do about me. And so another deadline has passed. Even if they try to negotiate, I suspect they are (or at least one of them is) going to try to get greedy about it, so this might not work for me -- but I'll hang on for now and see what happens.
A friend from a few years ago resurfaced back in town and randomly at my front door today. I'd just been asking Maj the other day if she knew what happened to this friend, so she's been on my mind anyhow. This is somebody who at the time seemed to be getting close enough to pose a bit of a threat to my relationship with Girl, and we both wound up cutting her off -- I remember running into her not long afterward at Maj's moving party and she didn't say anything, but registered deep hurt in her eyes that I can still feel. So today she shows up at my place while I'm working, says she's back and tard-farming at the Zombie House two doors down, surveys my de facto studio-apartment-inside-a-house setup with half the rooms sealed off and a workbench with my power tools set up in the middle of the kitchen, gets the quick rundown on my life over the past few years and especially this summer, says she's out of partying and is looking for mellow folks to hang with that aren't all caught up in the scene, and we agree to hang out very soon.
All of this promises to be an excellent distraction, I suspect. On the other hand, I was kind of searching her eyes and aura to see if there could be anything else there at this point, and that just made me long really badly for The One Who Got Away. As much pain has passed between me and TOWGA recently, as hurtful as the words have been on both sides and as much as I've done to try to numb myself just so I can get out of bed in the morning and sleep at night and try to formulate a working plan for this stage of my life in between, and as sure as I've been that if she (entirely improbably) came around again now I'd find myself irreversibly driven to destroy things just because of the depth of my bitterness at both the world and the specific situation, today I was left with a feeling that what I'd actually do is drop everything to be with her. It so rarely happens that I get close to someone who simultaneously inspires me to be the best I can be and inspires me to worship the ground they walk on. I can count on the fingers of one hand the souls in this world who have brought me so high and so low, who have sent my ploddingly stable little low-key world spinning so wildly out of its orbit and yet whose very existence seemed to promise a depth and a groundedness unparalleled even in my own experience so far. But that's neither here nor there, really, as far as the formulation of my working plan goes. It would probably be better if nothing like that happened right now.
This relationship arouses energies in the two of you that will not allow matters to stay as they are. What you have to learn is that the changes you seek must come about through natural evolution, not through your urging. Even if you do not consciously work at it, the Pluto energies will operate, but they will work out better if your ego is not so heavily involved.
*ETA: ...worship the ground they walk on realistically, even. One of those rare situations where you realize how profoundly incredible someone has turned out to be while at the same time squarely facing some of their more obvious bullshit with equanimity and going, Yes, this is perfectly OK with me, nothing here I can't handle. All the more reason to keep falling back into mourning.